Integrity

This message took a lot out of me and at the same time really lifted me up writing it so I hope all of you who have been following my blog read it, take it in, and let me know what you think about it. Feel free to agree or disagree, I am interested in how others see or do not see this in their own lives. I know it's a little long, so read when convenient. Please comment!


I was listening to my daily inspiration today (Joyce Meyer) and the subject was integrity. At first I was kind of disappointed because, of all the things I need to work on in my life, I really don't feel like my integrity is an issue. Not to sound high and mighty or anything, but I have learned many lessons about being truthful from when I was young and at some point I just decided that honesty was always the best policy and from then on I have held to that pretty well.
So I almost turned it off but then I figured I would listen anyway because usually there is something good in there even if it isn't what I thought it would be and, of course, there was! (Hello God!) It talked about how integrity isn't just being honest but really more about being honest with yourself and true to what you know is right. I think that a lot of people have trouble with that, including myself. Sure, we all think we are decent, honest, people, but do we realize that how we feel about ourselves is, I believe, directly related to the number of compromises we make every day on what we know we should do versus what we actually choose to do. It certainly is for me.
It got me thinking about some of the other issues I am having in my life and how I have been trying to figure out how I got where I am in my business, finances, and overall self-esteem, and how I am always letting myself down, beating myself up, and letting myself down again for beating myself up, on and on...and BAM! it hit me - I was compromising my integrity by knowing what I should be doing and not doing it, just in little things, things no one but myself even knows about, but doing it EVERY SINGLE DAY. Over and over again. And the little things are so important because you make choices constantly every day and if you continue to make the wrong choices, against what you believe or say to yourself that you are or are not going to do, it slowly erodes your self worth little by little - like sandpaper on your soul. How does erosion happen? One little piece of dirt at a time, and before you know it, your house falls in the ocean. I know that's a little deep for a plain little blog like this, on a Monday morning no less, but I think it really important to say and really hit home for me because of this weight loss journey I have started.
You see, I have been struggling in a lot of other areas of my life besides my weight and it has really killed my confidence. I have alluded to that in other posts but have never really given any details, partly because I think that dwelling on the negative will increase the negative so I try to not talk about it much. The reality is that I was (am) hiding from a lot of those feelings (thus the name of the blog) because I just don't know what to do about them and I have become really frustrated trying to solve my own problems. I decided to let God do the work and just step back for a while and stop the self analysis. But I did know that a big part of my problem was my weight because it really really really REALLY makes me unhappy. I don't care that other people say I look great and I have nothing to worry about, or even roll their eyes like I'm some size 4 stick saying I'm fat just for the attention. I am simply good at covering it up. I wear the right clothes for my body style and wear good makeup and have trendy hair to draw attention to my face. It works. I know how I look in a mirror without clothes on (sorry for the visual) and I know how I used to look and it makes me sick. Not to say that it couldn't be worse because for sure it could be but I spent a lot of my life unhappy about how I looked and then I finally got where I wanted to be and then I lost it all. Talk about letting yourself down and beating yourself up. I specialize in that. I am positive on the outside, upbeat to others, and have an overall positive outlook on life, but I am VERY negative when it comes to my inner thoughts about myself. I wouldn't even want to be near someone who treated me the way I treat myself. Why do we let ourselves get away with that? I have been working on that, but it is something NO ONE knows about me. Not my husband, not my sister, not my best friend. Now I am releasing it into cyberspace! I know some of you have been in the same position mentally and we all have different breaking points. For me it has been brewing all this last year and finally I said enough.
So, anyway, back to the subject which is to say that the first thing I decided to tackle was my weight while I let God work on my other problems. That is how I came back to Adam's blog and then on this crazy train we are calling the "group shred" :) I mean that in the most positive way, I love this, and that's, again, what I am trying to get at. I found that once I finally put my foot down and said "That's enough!", cleaned up my eating, and started working out, my self esteem has really surged (ha ha ha you know like "metabolic surge"...okay, dumb joke). And I didn't really know why I felt so good doing this program other than I remembered that I really do love exercise and lifting weights and it does release positive chemicals in your brain, but more than that, it came down to INTEGRITY.
I am finally doing what I have been telling myself (and, incidentally, what God has been telling me) to do and my integrity has been set right. I think when we continue to know what we should do and what we deep down want to be doing but give ourselves permission to compromise, our integrity slips away little by little and we really begin to dislike ourselves. And being around someone you dislike all day (namely yourself) really steals your joy. I mean, maybe all of you out there have already figured this out but for me it has been a revelation, finally understanding why I was feeling so bad before and so much better now.
Don't get me wrong, I have a LOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGGG way to go, in many areas of my life, but I think these little victories of continuing to eat right, say no to the bad, say yes to the good, exercising, and being accountable for what I have said I am going to do, are beginning the repair of my soul. When I are about to make any decision, I always have two voices (at least!) in my head. I usually call them the angel and the devil (like in cartoons when someone has them pop up on each shoulder, you know?) and they do battle for what I am actually going to do in that situation. Sometimes the angel speaks louder. Usually the devil would, and he would win the argument. Again, I'm not talking big things, just those Do I eat that piece of candy? Do I stop for fast food? Do I really feel like working out? Should I make those phone calls I promised myself I would make but no one knows I was going to so do I really have to? kinds of decisions. I think those are much harder. Big decisions are somewhat more cut and dry (dried? whatever, you know what I mean). There are lots of places in this world to get advice on the bigger questions of life. But who can tell you if you should stop at the fast food place? Only yourself. And if you choose against yourself, your integrity (and self-esteem) goes by the wayside. Someone once said that if you keep letting things slide, they are all sliding somewhere, and eventually you're going to run up against that pile. Well I sure did and let me tell you, digging out of that pile is a lot worse than just doing the right thing to begin with.
So lately, since I have started this journey, the angel has been speaking louder. Or maybe I have just been listening to her more. And I love her. The angel rocks! Because the angel is me. The holy spirit me, the REAL me, the me that has been patiently waiting to get out, voicing her opinion all along, just wanting to be heard and having her volume turned up. And that devil? Well, he's really The Devil, and he'll steal all of our dreams if we let him - one tiny, sandpapering, decision at a time.