Thanks to everyone who has been checking in on me, sorry I have not been doing much updating here. Things are just busy, as I'm sure they are for all of you as well. I have been doing well on my program, some days better than others, but that's the way life is, right? I am finally seeing results, and I think that if I had been taking a daily picture like before I would have seen them earlier, but oh well. We took pictures in the beginning and again for a progress check after 2 months and I saw a lot of difference. Still not up to posting them yet, I am so embarrassed about how bad my befores are. But I am glad to be making progress and I can see it now on the scale as well as in some of my clothes. Yahoo!! According to my latest set of measurements, I have lost 6 pounds and 12.5 cm which is about 5 inches all around, and have gained 4 cm (1.5 in) in my shoulders. The shoulders thing is kind of weird, I have never done measures on that before, but I swear it goes up each time. There wasn't any fat on my shoulders and my arms have a lot more definition so I am going to say that it is muscle gain even though that's kind of a lot for that. We'll see, perhaps I am a little off on my measurements, that is a hard area to get just right and I am not used to doing it in centimeters. Anyway, I also have been using an Omron bf scale and even though it is not totally accurate, it does show trends, and that has shown that I have lost 2.4% bf. So by my calculations, that means that almost all of the weight lost has been fat. Hopefully that is true, I have for sure gained muscle so I don't know how that works since my lean body mass number is the same, but whatever. I am just glad to have visual and numerical progress. Some of my clothes are fitting much better, I am waiting until I have lost a significant amount before I try the jeans on because it is so depressing to not be able to fit into them.
My goal for the first 2 months of the LEP was to lose 12 lbs and 5% bf, and I did not hit that, but still I am happy with my progress because I feel like it is more permanent and that is more important to me than the numbers. I got almost exactly halfway to my goal, and to be honest, the first 3 weeks we were doing a lot of background and prep type things so we didn't do a real hard workout or have a lot of nutrition changes yet. So I guess looking back I should not have been that upset about not seeing results right away. The results I have now are really over about 6 weeks and that's not too bad. Am I rationalizing? Hope not. Anyway, the fight against fat continues...
So, things are good for now. I appreciate the comments, I do see them, again, I just don't get here often to respond or update. So hope all of you are doing well in your journeys, be back soon!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Day 45 - Still here!
I know, I know, I haven't updated in quite a while, but I have spent most of my internet time on the PN member boards and I try to limit my web time, so I haven't been back here to update. As if anyone is paying attention anyway! But it doesn't matter, this still keeps track for me. So the last 30 days have brought 2 more nutrition rules: eat starchy carbs only after exercise, and eat lean protein at every meal. I have been doing well with these. Actually, all of the habits so far I have been pretty compliant with, and finally feel like I am making them real HABITS not just a diet. That's what I signed up for so that's good.
However, I have been struggling...sorry, challenged by the workouts!! I don't know what it is but suddenly I hate exercise. I thought by now it would come back to me, but most of the time I just have to drag myself down to the basement or outside to do my workout, whether it is cardio or weights. I am better at the weights, and now that our workouts are about 30 min instead of 1 hr I am doing better, but cardio is so hard to make myself do. I don't know how to make myself like it better, there's just no cardio activity I truly enjoy. I just push through it to get it over with. And sometimes I skip it. That is not good.
Last week I did all of my workouts like I was supposed to, both of my cardio (EEW) sessions, and did Jujitsu, but by Monday I was so not into it that I skipped that workout and the EEW yesterday, replacing it kind of with Jujitsu but not really because I spent most of my time teaching not working out. I did my weights today so I am back on track but man I wish it was as easy as it used to be. Don't know what's missing...
Anyway, the workouts are good and I do most of them so I'll just keep plugging away. The worst thing though is that I haven't lost any weight. 45 days in and I have lost maybe 2 lbs, which are those negotiable 2 lbs that come and go as they please anyway. I am so disappointed. For the first few weeks on the program, JB said to not expect weight loss, but I have really changed my habits drastically and to not see a change is very disheartening. I don't think my clothes are looser and if anything I have less energy not more than before. I don't get it. I contacted Krista my coach to see if she could help me with it so she's on the case but I miss the days of dropping 2 lbs a week for sure. But that weight all came back on so maybe I shouldn't wish for that.
But to think, I was eating bagels with cream cheese for breakfast, leftovers or take out for lunch, a decent dinner if I cooked, but at least twice a week and sometimes as often as 4 times a week eating out. And when we went to restaurants, all bets were off - whatever I felt like having, I had, and since I was depressed most of the time, I usually ate according to my emotions not my stomach. So you can guess where that got me. And I was not exercising at all. I did some jumping jacks, push ups, and sit ups at Jujitsu, threw a couple of throws, and that was basically it. So how can I go from that to 2x per week cardio, 3x per week weights, starchy carbs only once a day, clean food the rest of the time, only 2 reward meals per week, and not see any change? I do not get it. I must be missing something.
I guess I have seen one change, and that is in my mood. I am much less depressed than I was, but I feel like that's a result of just the decision to change and following through on daily activity rather than the actual activity if you know what I mean. I felt directionless before and now I have a goal and a plan so that alone could be what has brought me out of the funk. So again I say, I don't get it. Perhaps Krista will find some answers for me. I hope so, I really want to make lasting changes not just in my habits, but in my body too! Hopefully the next update will show some progress!
However, I have been struggling...sorry, challenged by the workouts!! I don't know what it is but suddenly I hate exercise. I thought by now it would come back to me, but most of the time I just have to drag myself down to the basement or outside to do my workout, whether it is cardio or weights. I am better at the weights, and now that our workouts are about 30 min instead of 1 hr I am doing better, but cardio is so hard to make myself do. I don't know how to make myself like it better, there's just no cardio activity I truly enjoy. I just push through it to get it over with. And sometimes I skip it. That is not good.
Last week I did all of my workouts like I was supposed to, both of my cardio (EEW) sessions, and did Jujitsu, but by Monday I was so not into it that I skipped that workout and the EEW yesterday, replacing it kind of with Jujitsu but not really because I spent most of my time teaching not working out. I did my weights today so I am back on track but man I wish it was as easy as it used to be. Don't know what's missing...
Anyway, the workouts are good and I do most of them so I'll just keep plugging away. The worst thing though is that I haven't lost any weight. 45 days in and I have lost maybe 2 lbs, which are those negotiable 2 lbs that come and go as they please anyway. I am so disappointed. For the first few weeks on the program, JB said to not expect weight loss, but I have really changed my habits drastically and to not see a change is very disheartening. I don't think my clothes are looser and if anything I have less energy not more than before. I don't get it. I contacted Krista my coach to see if she could help me with it so she's on the case but I miss the days of dropping 2 lbs a week for sure. But that weight all came back on so maybe I shouldn't wish for that.
But to think, I was eating bagels with cream cheese for breakfast, leftovers or take out for lunch, a decent dinner if I cooked, but at least twice a week and sometimes as often as 4 times a week eating out. And when we went to restaurants, all bets were off - whatever I felt like having, I had, and since I was depressed most of the time, I usually ate according to my emotions not my stomach. So you can guess where that got me. And I was not exercising at all. I did some jumping jacks, push ups, and sit ups at Jujitsu, threw a couple of throws, and that was basically it. So how can I go from that to 2x per week cardio, 3x per week weights, starchy carbs only once a day, clean food the rest of the time, only 2 reward meals per week, and not see any change? I do not get it. I must be missing something.
I guess I have seen one change, and that is in my mood. I am much less depressed than I was, but I feel like that's a result of just the decision to change and following through on daily activity rather than the actual activity if you know what I mean. I felt directionless before and now I have a goal and a plan so that alone could be what has brought me out of the funk. So again I say, I don't get it. Perhaps Krista will find some answers for me. I hope so, I really want to make lasting changes not just in my habits, but in my body too! Hopefully the next update will show some progress!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Day 18 - Great workout!
Wow I totally almost bailed on my workout today. I missed it this morning, let myself go back to sleep when I should have gotten up, then it was raining and I felt crappy (mentally) and wanted to get work over with so I didn't do it then. After work I had to fix dinner, etc and round about 8pm I was really looking for a further excuse not to do it, but I finally talked myself into just getting something done and what do you know? I ROCKED IT! I don't know if I am just getting more used to them or because I added weight and it felt good or what but this was my best workout thus far on the program. I remember when I used to love lifting and so far this month I have had to drag myself down there every day to do my workout and was glad when I was finished. Not that I wasn't glad tonight, because it was tiring, but glad in a proud way, not in a "that's finally over" way. Maybe I was just kind of going through the motions before or I am just getting more energy or something but I am glad for whatever it is. I added weight and it was fantastic! Yay me!
As far as nutrition goes, we still haven't had any further direction other than taking vitamins and fish oil, so I can say that I have been compliant with that. I have been trying to keep my carbs only after workouts, but since I didn't work out this morning and I didn't have anything else available for breakfast, I still had a whole wheat bagel. And with dinner I had a piece of wheat toast as well and that was before my workout. Well, I am eating good foods at least, no junk, and for now I'm not going to overthink it. It's a journey not a destination.
Mindset-wise, we had a really good article on the PN site today that I thought I would share a little about because it was kind of what I have been thinking about anyway but it really put it into a good format. Basically it said that usually when we decide we want to change, and we set goals, we focus on the following two things:
What "pleasure" will you get if you "do" get your goals?
What "pain" will you get if you "don't" get your goals?
Often the more motivating factor is the pain side because most people respond more quickly to pain stimulus than pleasure. But the flip side of the equation that we also must consider is this:
What "pain" will you get if you "do" get your goals?
What "pleasure" will get if you "don't" get your goals?
I thought that was really interesting, because a big thing for me is complacency and procrastination, and answering those second two questions really made me look those bad habits in the face. Hopefully it will help me to recognize when I am falling into destructive patterns in the future because I have considered ahead of time what will be calling to me from the "dark side" when it happens. Because for sure it will. I am now prepared. Hope you all are too!
As far as nutrition goes, we still haven't had any further direction other than taking vitamins and fish oil, so I can say that I have been compliant with that. I have been trying to keep my carbs only after workouts, but since I didn't work out this morning and I didn't have anything else available for breakfast, I still had a whole wheat bagel. And with dinner I had a piece of wheat toast as well and that was before my workout. Well, I am eating good foods at least, no junk, and for now I'm not going to overthink it. It's a journey not a destination.
Mindset-wise, we had a really good article on the PN site today that I thought I would share a little about because it was kind of what I have been thinking about anyway but it really put it into a good format. Basically it said that usually when we decide we want to change, and we set goals, we focus on the following two things:
What "pleasure" will you get if you "do" get your goals?
What "pain" will you get if you "don't" get your goals?
Often the more motivating factor is the pain side because most people respond more quickly to pain stimulus than pleasure. But the flip side of the equation that we also must consider is this:
What "pain" will you get if you "do" get your goals?
What "pleasure" will get if you "don't" get your goals?
I thought that was really interesting, because a big thing for me is complacency and procrastination, and answering those second two questions really made me look those bad habits in the face. Hopefully it will help me to recognize when I am falling into destructive patterns in the future because I have considered ahead of time what will be calling to me from the "dark side" when it happens. Because for sure it will. I am now prepared. Hope you all are too!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Day 16 - Checking in
Well with everything else I am doing, updating my blog is going to have to be kind of low on the priority list. Getting in my workout and doing my nutrition habits are at the top so when I can get here I will but right now there isn't a lot to talk about. I failed to keep to anything this past weekend and I am disappointed in that, but my coach just encouraged me to put it behind me and concentrate on getting in the workouts on the weekends first. Right now nutrition is a bonus I think, since I am struggling right now. During the week I am fine, have been doing my workouts and finally got my fish oil in the mail yesterday so I am totally together with that. Need to get things going more smoothly in the morning, though. I was late for work yesterday. But I'll get it all together. Glad they are only giving things to us a little at a time because I would not be able to handle more with all that is going on in my life right now. Don't have a job after the end of the month and I don't know what I am going to do. Stupid economy. Anyway, I will worry about that when there is something I can do about it. For right now, I am applying everywhere I see a job, talking to people, and doing what I can to find something else, there isn't more I can think of to help. God is taking care of the rest I guess. Hopefully.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Day 11 - Starting the habit
Well I have done my workout every day this week so I am pretty proud of myself. It is crazy how we get ourselves out of and into habits. I hope that this time it becomes ingrained enough that it never leaves. I really hate the way my body looks and feels right now. But not much has been happening this week, so I'll just keep to my assignments and trust that change will come. The first nutrition habit we have is to start taking fish oil and a multi. I had to order that online so I haven't been able to apply that habit yet but will when I get the delivery! I am so happy to be taking this one step at a time, that it definitely what I have been doing wrong before. Hope all of you are doing well on your various journeys. Bye!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Day 9 - In the zone
Starting to feel like I am forming a habit of exercise again - YAY! Still have a long way to go but this one step at a time stuff really is what I needed. Past my bedtime now, don't have much else to say except that I hope I can start seeing progress soon. Those before pics are still haunting me...until tomorrow...
Monday, June 8, 2009
Day 8 – One step at a time
I was feeling great this morning, got back on the workout wagon and didn’t kill myself doing so today, but since lunch I have felt like total crapola. I don’t know what it is, I thought at first that I just needed to eat, but even after lunch it came back. Mainly it is a really bad headache, but I am feeling kind of lightheaded also and generally without energy. I don’t know what it is, but it needs to stop. Maybe I just need to go to bed early, but it better not be more than that because I need to get a regular schedule going with my workouts so I can make it a habit. The lesson for today was to make one small change at a time and only focus on that one thing, because if you try to change too much too fast you will fail. I agree with that a lot because that is what I usually do. I am really gung ho and then I burn out, getting overwhelmed. So it is impossible to do that for now because all we have to do is workout daily and check in on the message board. Wednesday we are getting our first nutrition habit, but for now I am happy to just work on getting my workout in since I am even struggling with that. But thankfully I already did it today because if I had not, I would have to skip it since I am feeling so bad. I have to remember that – work out when you can because you never know when something is going to interfere with your ability to do so later on. I guess that’s the reasoning behind doing morning workouts anyway. I am totally not a morning person, but I think morning workouts are best for me since I do get sidetracked. Like all this weekend. So anyway, that’s what happening for today. I hope this freakin headache goes away soon because it is driving me nuts. I just want to lie down in a dark cool room. Probably won’t get to do that but hopefully it will go away despite my going on with my day. Hope all is well with anyone else out there checking in. Have a lovely day.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Day 7 - Disappointed
Well I am pretty upset with myself because I didn't do any of my planned workouts yesterday or today. Time just got away from me, as it always seems to do on weekends. And my eating was atrocious. So I have a ways to go before I am going to be making any physical progress, that's for sure. I guess what I accomplished in the last week was just committing to the goal and starting the workouts, even though I only did half of the assigned ones. The upcoming week will be better. I am glad that they are only giving us things a little at a time because that has been my issue in the past, trying to implement too much at once. It is hard for me to go so slowly, but obviously I need it because new habits are extremely hard to ingrain. The coaches were talking about habits and were comparing daily habits like brushing your teeth and showering with getting into the daily habit of exercise, presumably that one day it will be automatic, you won't have to think about it. But to be honest, there are days when I don't feel like taking a shower and brushing my teeth and although I don't skip that more than one day, I do skip from time to time. So I guess that's okay if it is the same with exercise. Maybe the point is that it is more a habit to do it than to not do it and you don't want to go too long without it. I don't really know yet, it certainly isn't to that level with me yet, and in all the times that I have been in good shape, it hasn't gotten to that either. So we'll see if that changes. I am keeping an open mind, it's just obvious from the past few days that I still have very far to go. Nutrition habits start next week, too, so hopefully it will all start to click for me, because for some people they said it was like flipping a switch - they were immediately, completely on board with everything. But for me, it is still a constant struggle between the lazy depressed part of me and the wanting to get in shape side of me. Even with $10K on the line. You'd think that would be enough motivation, but I think these issues of mine go deeper than that. I'll have to work on them. We'll see. TTFN!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Day 5 - A little behind
Ha ha ha when I was typing the title of this entry I thought "wow, I never get to say that I have that"! I'm weird what can I say? Anyway, I am behind since it is technically Saturday and day 5 was yesterday but wanted to keep the update on the right day. I worked both jobs yesterday and then we had to have an intervention of sorts for my husband's best friend directly after I got home from work and it lasted until midnight, so I did not get my lower body workout in yet. I am going to do it today and do upper body tomorrow instead of having a rest day. So I basically just moved my rest day to Friday instead of Sunday. There's actually a chance that may become a regular thing because Fridays always seem to get away from me and Sundays are much slower. We'll see. So not much on the fitness front, a little sore from the upper body w/o on Thursday, but in a good way this time instead of an "I think I might curl up in a little ball and cry" way like the lower body. So I have gotten to a good set/rep/weight combo on some of my exercises at least. I was going to go buy a pull up bar Friday afternoon but that plan got blown out so I guess I do that early next week. Would like to have the proper equipment, and that is the last thing I need so far. So, that's about it for now. Shout out to my long-lost shredder friends who may check in on me from time to time, hope you are all doing well. See ya!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Day 4 - Finally recovering
Well I think that may well have been the worst case of DOMS I have ever had in my life, but it is finally fading away. I tried to massage some of it out last night and although I still had some trouble moving today, it was nothing compared to yesterday. Didn't have time to do my workout this morning, so I did it tonight, upper body today, and it was great. I am so glad to be back lifting. Still in the practice stages of this PN program, but I am so excited to be back a part of something with a supportive community behind me. I know how much that helps me. Weekends are my worst times, though, so I have to be extra vigilant to make sure I do my workout and not go crazy with food. But boy will it be worth it in the end. I have something really big planned when I get to the end of this contest, but I'm not going to share it just yet. But it will be much better if I win the contest as well, so I really have to work hard. Root for me! Be back tomorrow, I know you all can hardly believe I have actually been here 4 straight days. Miracle! Have a good night!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Day 3 – And again I say ow
Wow the amount of soreness I have right now is ludicrous. People at work think I have something seriously wrong with me. I dropped a packet of Splenda on the floor this morning and couldn’t bear to bend down and pick it up. I need to go to the handicapped bathroom so I have those bars on the sides to lower myself down slowly. Crazy! I obviously way overestimated my current strength level. Live and learn. What makes me mad though is that I don’t think I’ll be able to do today’s workout. I think I will try to just do some bodyweight things or at the very least stretching to help the soreness, but I for sure cannot do the number of sets and reps I attempted on Monday. Even without weight. I’m not going to stress about it, I have 6 months to get it right, and I don’t want to burn out early so I’ll just see how I feel. Otherwise, don’t have anything else we are supposed to do yet, so I am kind of floundering in what to focus on for the other 23 hours of my day. Food consumes much more of my thoughts than exercise so it’s hard to decide what I want to do until they tell me what they want. I haven’t really been doing well with food and I have so much conflicting info in my head I don’t know what to do. So I am just eating how I was before this, maybe a little better, but I am kind of also finishing up the stuff we have at the house because I hate to waste food. And money. Oh well… I do have a lot of veggies at the house because my sister and I enrolled in this thing called a CSA which is a share of a local organic farm that we pay for once a year and get to pick out from their crop for 20 weeks in the summer. So far it has mostly been lettuce and strawberries, but hopefully there will be more variety soon. If it doesn’t get better, we won’t do it next year, but for now I do get fresh veggies every Saturday so that’s cool. Need to have more salad before it goes bad! So that’s the story of today. Hopefully I can face tomorrow without feeling like I need a walker. See ya!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Day 2 – Ow ow ow ow
Yeah totally overdid it on the legs. Live and learn. That’s my punishment for quitting weights. Well, not quitting, just skipping about 365 workouts. It has been almost exactly a year since my last real mission so it is a good time to get things back where they should have been. Today was upper body. Again just movement, 13 exercises, most of which I already knew, but took it easy with 3 sets of 3 each since I didn’t want to feel the same in my upper body as I do in my lower. For tomorrow I will lower the amount of sets and reps for lower body and raise it for upper body on Thursday. Right now that is the assignment for the week: lower MWF, upper TuThSa. Practice the movement. I will be getting additional upper body work as well since Jujitsu is tonight and we always do pushups. Unless I decide to make one of my students lead exercises since my legs may not function. Might be a good idea. Anyway, I am just getting back to daily blogging so I just want to keep up with it for now, nothing much earth-shattering going on. I posted yesterday’s message earlier since I didn’t have time yesterday and now I am all caught up. One thing I am struggling with right now is that they haven’t given us any direction on nutrition yet and that is what I need. I want my workouts to count so I don’t want to eat badly, but should I be doing the PN rules or something else? For now I am just watching my intake overall, avoiding sugar, and trying to add back the habit of drinking water. I have definitely been bad on that. By tomorrow I can ask questions and that will be what I want to know first. I also updated my sidebars and all for my new commitment, please keep me on track if anyone is out there. So otherwise, I’m just moving along in my day (slowly!). Have a good one!
Day One – again…
Was it inevitable that I would be starting over based on the title of this blog? I hope not. But boy do I regret stopping weights after my workout yesterday. I enrolled in the Precision Nutrition Lean Eating Program and the first assignment was…movement! It wasn’t even supposed to be exercise, just familiarizing yourself with the movements, but heck if it didn’t kick my entirely too large butt! Clearly I have lost a TON of lean muscle mass in the past year. I guess when I wasn’t losing “weight” I was still losing muscle and gaining fat. Yay me. I know better, but I don’t listen to myself. Anyway, we had 13 lower body exercised to do. We were supposed to do 5 sets of 5 each but I had to drop down to 3 sets of 3 each by the end because I wasn’t going to be able to finish if I didn’t. I was hardly using any weight, too! Sad when body weight alone is enough to make your legs feel like jello. So I could barely walk up the stairs when I was finished and will be really hurting tomorrow since typically DOMS shows up for me on the second day after a workout. But even so, I am very glad to be back in the gym. It took a long time for me to come around, but I had to do something. I miss how I used to look and feel so much.
Also, I took before pictures yesterday and they were disgusting. Seriously. I cannot believe I have let myself go that bad and didn’t even know I was so gross. So those pics will not be posted until I have some results to go with them. But for reference, they are worse than my original before pics. So horrible. But if you are interested, they are still posted on this blog. No use taking them down now, but man I wish I was an after instead. I have 6 months to get in the best shape of my life. I have the rest of my life to keep it that way. I am really confident that this program is different from anything I have done in the past and thus have high hopes that it will allow me to maintain once my goals are met. As I have said before, that is the missing link, and PN promises to do that. Besides that, I have the motivation of winning the contest, which I really think I can do because I have so far to go. Kind of sad, but I could really use the money. Might be out of a job come the end of this month. So here’s to fresh starts and sore muscles! Have a great day to anyone who is out there!
Also, I took before pictures yesterday and they were disgusting. Seriously. I cannot believe I have let myself go that bad and didn’t even know I was so gross. So those pics will not be posted until I have some results to go with them. But for reference, they are worse than my original before pics. So horrible. But if you are interested, they are still posted on this blog. No use taking them down now, but man I wish I was an after instead. I have 6 months to get in the best shape of my life. I have the rest of my life to keep it that way. I am really confident that this program is different from anything I have done in the past and thus have high hopes that it will allow me to maintain once my goals are met. As I have said before, that is the missing link, and PN promises to do that. Besides that, I have the motivation of winning the contest, which I really think I can do because I have so far to go. Kind of sad, but I could really use the money. Might be out of a job come the end of this month. So here’s to fresh starts and sore muscles! Have a great day to anyone who is out there!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Fall down seven times...(Part 2)
2) Starting family
This one is a tough one to talk about, and I won’t go into much detail for many reasons, but for the year leading up to last June I was trying to get pregnant. Because it had been a year with no baby, that June we were diagnosed as infertile. We have since begun the testing and diagnosis stage of this, trying to find out why we cannot conceive and all the while still trying. It has been extremely stressful and has not contributed well to my problem with emotional eating, so continuing to shred and blog during this time was basically out of the question. Things have so far gotten worse for me emotionally, and physically no answers have come. I was able to cope well for quite some time, but in the last month or so our family has started to find out what has been going on with us (I had only told a select few close people) and it has led to more stress. Now just hearing people talk about babies, being pregnant, and the like makes me feel like crying, and has caused me to break down once. I am trying to not keep it in so much now because that obviously doesn’t help the situation, but I still choose not to talk about it mostly because I don’t like answering questions and don’t want to hear anyone’s stupid advice on the subject when they have not been through this. So hopefully there will be good news on this front in the future, but for now it is a constant source of pain and disappointment, as well as a part of every day of my life. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
The Biggest Reason…
1) No long term solution
This has been the major downfall of every weight loss attempt I have ever undertaken, and probably so for the majority of people trying to lose weight all over the world. I don’t really have much trouble losing the weight, it’s that once I lose it, I do not have any way to transition into making an everyday maintenance out of the program that I am on. I know that there has been much discussion of that in the Shreddersphere, pertaining to all the different types of weight loss that we have tried. And although there may not be any such thing as “maintenance” (I think TV said that), for me, there was never any way to make the change from the hard core fat loss mentality to being happy with my body fat percentage and just focusing on muscle preservation and metabolism upkeep. That’s not to say that PN, BFFM, MS, WW, Atkins, and all the other methods I have tried, have not addressed that issue. Some have better than others, but whatever they have said about it has either been a badly conceived method, or was just lost on me somewhere. I want to get to a place where I can have a good relationship with food. Right now I have a love/hate relationship and it may be too much to ask to get to that neutral ground, but I have always loved food, loved cooking, loved entertaining and eating, all of that, but hated the way that food made my body look and feel. I have never been able to face the prospect of eating virtually the same thing every day like some people I know (you know who you are!), or restricting my calories, carbs, fats, etc for every day of the rest of my natural life. I just can’t do it. Call me a quitter, but that kind of strict regiment is not how I want to live my life. I don’t have to be able to eat everything all the time, but I need something that is easily maintained, allows for my need to cook, my want to go out to restaurants, my Italian ancestry that must have pasta and bread. I’m not talking about restriction during a fat loss period, I understand that completely. But I want to have a plan in place ahead of time for when I have gotten to my goal or at least close enough that I am ready to move to the “everyday life” stage of the program. Who has the answer to this? Maybe no one and that’s why there are so many yo-yo dieters in this world, but I simply cannot face a life where I have to deprive myself every meal for the rest of my life. To be honest, I would rather be overweight. As much as I don’t like being the weight I am now, I am no longer gaining as I was when I first stopped shredding. I have achieved stasis with the way that I eat and my activity levels now. I believe that all things being equal, I could basically maintain this weight for quite a while with no additional effort expended. I know this because I have jumped up to this weight many times after stints in one program or another and I usually get to this general size and stop gaining. So I want to achieve that same kind of comfort level but at 30 pounds lighter. Is that too much to ask? Probably. But it does call into question the idea that there is no maintenance, because I have been doing pretty good with that here lately, I’m just not maintaining the level I want to be on. I want to find an answer for the long term before I embark on another journey of shredding. I want a plan in place so I will not let myself down again as I have done so many times. Some of you have found this answer, or at least a part of it, I believe, because you have had long term loss, but I need it to apply to a real life situation. How does the average person get by everyday as a shredder? I can’t deny myself food for the rest of my life, I know I will relapse, it’s just a given. I am too emotional of a person and I don’t think that will change. I would like to find the root of my emotional eating, and I think that would help a lot, but it would still not solve the overall problem. But after losing the weight that I did, using primarily MS, that routine is not even meant to be long term. It says so straight from the beginning, so while the results are great, the maintenance is left up to the individual, and I didn’t know where to go from there. All fruit days are not a part of a normal person’s life. I will never strive to be a professional bodybuilder or model. I just want to be happy with the way I look, feel, and fit into my clothes. I think that’s what a lot of people out there want, and I have yet to see a way to achieve it, unless I am missing something. Maybe I am. Maybe all this time away from you all has made me forget how I can do these things, but from where I’m sitting right now, I have no long term plan.
So I guess that’s why I’m back. I want to solve this aspect of my life, and the best way I have found so far is this community of people. The support is essential, I know that, but I want the whole answer. And I am unhappy with where I am now. I know I can do it, but I refuse to start until I have a clear cut action plan for the future. The happiness I felt at losing all of the weight has been far surpassed by the guilt and disappointment I feel for gaining all of it back, and I don’t want to go through that again. So, (Suz) I will get back up for the 8th (800th) time, but it will be on my own terms and for good. I am sure I have a lot of falling down to do in a lot of other parts of my life, but I could use a victory right about now and I would like it to be in this respect. Anyone who is still out there, still awake after my incessant ramblings, if you have advice, please help.
Thanks and I have missed you all,
JP
This one is a tough one to talk about, and I won’t go into much detail for many reasons, but for the year leading up to last June I was trying to get pregnant. Because it had been a year with no baby, that June we were diagnosed as infertile. We have since begun the testing and diagnosis stage of this, trying to find out why we cannot conceive and all the while still trying. It has been extremely stressful and has not contributed well to my problem with emotional eating, so continuing to shred and blog during this time was basically out of the question. Things have so far gotten worse for me emotionally, and physically no answers have come. I was able to cope well for quite some time, but in the last month or so our family has started to find out what has been going on with us (I had only told a select few close people) and it has led to more stress. Now just hearing people talk about babies, being pregnant, and the like makes me feel like crying, and has caused me to break down once. I am trying to not keep it in so much now because that obviously doesn’t help the situation, but I still choose not to talk about it mostly because I don’t like answering questions and don’t want to hear anyone’s stupid advice on the subject when they have not been through this. So hopefully there will be good news on this front in the future, but for now it is a constant source of pain and disappointment, as well as a part of every day of my life. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
The Biggest Reason…
1) No long term solution
This has been the major downfall of every weight loss attempt I have ever undertaken, and probably so for the majority of people trying to lose weight all over the world. I don’t really have much trouble losing the weight, it’s that once I lose it, I do not have any way to transition into making an everyday maintenance out of the program that I am on. I know that there has been much discussion of that in the Shreddersphere, pertaining to all the different types of weight loss that we have tried. And although there may not be any such thing as “maintenance” (I think TV said that), for me, there was never any way to make the change from the hard core fat loss mentality to being happy with my body fat percentage and just focusing on muscle preservation and metabolism upkeep. That’s not to say that PN, BFFM, MS, WW, Atkins, and all the other methods I have tried, have not addressed that issue. Some have better than others, but whatever they have said about it has either been a badly conceived method, or was just lost on me somewhere. I want to get to a place where I can have a good relationship with food. Right now I have a love/hate relationship and it may be too much to ask to get to that neutral ground, but I have always loved food, loved cooking, loved entertaining and eating, all of that, but hated the way that food made my body look and feel. I have never been able to face the prospect of eating virtually the same thing every day like some people I know (you know who you are!), or restricting my calories, carbs, fats, etc for every day of the rest of my natural life. I just can’t do it. Call me a quitter, but that kind of strict regiment is not how I want to live my life. I don’t have to be able to eat everything all the time, but I need something that is easily maintained, allows for my need to cook, my want to go out to restaurants, my Italian ancestry that must have pasta and bread. I’m not talking about restriction during a fat loss period, I understand that completely. But I want to have a plan in place ahead of time for when I have gotten to my goal or at least close enough that I am ready to move to the “everyday life” stage of the program. Who has the answer to this? Maybe no one and that’s why there are so many yo-yo dieters in this world, but I simply cannot face a life where I have to deprive myself every meal for the rest of my life. To be honest, I would rather be overweight. As much as I don’t like being the weight I am now, I am no longer gaining as I was when I first stopped shredding. I have achieved stasis with the way that I eat and my activity levels now. I believe that all things being equal, I could basically maintain this weight for quite a while with no additional effort expended. I know this because I have jumped up to this weight many times after stints in one program or another and I usually get to this general size and stop gaining. So I want to achieve that same kind of comfort level but at 30 pounds lighter. Is that too much to ask? Probably. But it does call into question the idea that there is no maintenance, because I have been doing pretty good with that here lately, I’m just not maintaining the level I want to be on. I want to find an answer for the long term before I embark on another journey of shredding. I want a plan in place so I will not let myself down again as I have done so many times. Some of you have found this answer, or at least a part of it, I believe, because you have had long term loss, but I need it to apply to a real life situation. How does the average person get by everyday as a shredder? I can’t deny myself food for the rest of my life, I know I will relapse, it’s just a given. I am too emotional of a person and I don’t think that will change. I would like to find the root of my emotional eating, and I think that would help a lot, but it would still not solve the overall problem. But after losing the weight that I did, using primarily MS, that routine is not even meant to be long term. It says so straight from the beginning, so while the results are great, the maintenance is left up to the individual, and I didn’t know where to go from there. All fruit days are not a part of a normal person’s life. I will never strive to be a professional bodybuilder or model. I just want to be happy with the way I look, feel, and fit into my clothes. I think that’s what a lot of people out there want, and I have yet to see a way to achieve it, unless I am missing something. Maybe I am. Maybe all this time away from you all has made me forget how I can do these things, but from where I’m sitting right now, I have no long term plan.
So I guess that’s why I’m back. I want to solve this aspect of my life, and the best way I have found so far is this community of people. The support is essential, I know that, but I want the whole answer. And I am unhappy with where I am now. I know I can do it, but I refuse to start until I have a clear cut action plan for the future. The happiness I felt at losing all of the weight has been far surpassed by the guilt and disappointment I feel for gaining all of it back, and I don’t want to go through that again. So, (Suz) I will get back up for the 8th (800th) time, but it will be on my own terms and for good. I am sure I have a lot of falling down to do in a lot of other parts of my life, but I could use a victory right about now and I would like it to be in this respect. Anyone who is still out there, still awake after my incessant ramblings, if you have advice, please help.
Thanks and I have missed you all,
JP
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Fall down seven times...(Part 1)
Well if any of you are still out there that previously followed my blog, thanks, and don’t have a heart attack upon seeing me post again after such a long absence. For those of you who weren’t here while I was actively blogging, thanks for stopping by and I hope you will be interested in the new things that I have to say.
For starters, let me get you up to speed on what has been going on in my life and why I have been “away” for so long. If you couldn’t care less, feel free to skip ahead, but I feel that I need to be totally honest with all of you and myself about the last 9 months before I can make any kind of fresh start. I have always shared not only my shredder life but also my personal life on this blog, so I wanted to start with that. I’m sure some of this will sound like nothing to some of you, and I specifically know of instances where shredders have gone through much more than this and gotten back sooner than I, but what can I say, we are all different and have different levels of tolerance for things.
Back on day 241 (June 11, 2008), I mentioned that I had a lot going on in my life. I tried a few times after that to kickstart something, but that was basically the end of shredding as I knew it. I never even made it a year. Things continued downhill, or maybe up and down, until now, which would technically be day 515 but I don’t think I can give myself credit for that day count. Interesting (or sad!) thing is, I have been NOT shredding now longer than I WAS shredding before – it’s been 274 days since that June entry. Anyway, I just want to clarify the things that I was referring to that have been my “life” issues. Some, or maybe even all, of these things could be classified as excuses, but for now I am not looking for anyone to point out to me how I could have avoided this lapse, I just need to assess where I am and move on. What’s done is done, and laying blame or feeling guilty does no one any good. (I say to myself…) But if anyone has any advice that can apply to the future on these issues, feel free to comment.
So here goes, the Top Five Reasons Joni Quit Shredding (and blogging)…
5) Injuries
As some of you may remember, I am quite prone to injury. It is both a reflection of my natural clumsiness/disregard for my own safety, and the fact that, as a martial arts student/instructor, injuries are pretty much a given. Back in June, I was nursing a wrist sprain that was a result of lining up a punch wrong to a punching bag. I healed up from that just in time for my annual Shiai in July, where I sprained my ankle pretty badly. A student of mine sprained it for me, actually, doing a submission. I actually heard the tendons snap. (Incidentally, I still earned first place in the Master Yudansha division that day, after I was injured…athletic tape does wonders!) Anyway, that was a month or so healing process just to get back to my regular activity level and then it was several more months before I could do particular movements, like squatting, kneeling, and rolls. It actually gives me a twinge from time to time even today. Then in September or October I broke my toe in class, which doesn’t sound like much of an injury, but if you’ve ever had one you can attest that it does affect your movement since you do put a lot of pressure on your toes for everyday walking, and I wear heels to work, so it was an issue. Since then (knock on wood) I have been injury-free, but a lot of that most likely has to do with my very reduced activity levels since I stopped shredding. I know that for me, injuries will always be a way of life because of what I choose to do, but the succession of the ones I had didn’t help matters along with everything else that was going on with me at the time.
4) Let Down / Rebellion
Whereas the last one was physical, this one was certainly psychological. After all the excitement over the group shreds, missions, challenges, shredder council, and the like, I experienced a tremendous let down in April and May once ECSS was over. I’m not sure if it was just the rebellious personality I have that silently made me quit after pushing myself so hard for so long, or if it is just that I didn’t have enough of a clear goal after ECSS, but each thing I tried after that point just didn’t have the same meaning behind it like the other missions. I was floundering even before I stopped blogging, and it was getting so hard to keep up with everything that was going on, I guess I just gave up. It wasn’t a conscious thing, though, it was just that I didn’t feel like I was a part of anything any more, even though I had all of you around just the same as before. I still can’t really put my finger on this one, but that doesn’t make the affect any less real. “Taking a break” is always dangerous if you don’t have your next crystal clear goal waiting for you beforehand, because it gets very easy to lose your way. I’m still trying to find my way back. This also ties into a later issue I am going to address, which is the struggle to make shredding lifelong, not just a mission, goal, or challenge. I thought I had this one down after a few hundred days or so but apparently not. So that thing about 21 days making a habit? Maybe so, but that doesn’t make it a lifestyle.
3) Lost business
Another thing which I am sure is affecting many of you out there is the job situation. For the last 5 years, I have been self-employed as a Mary Kay beauty consultant. While I have never had a love for sales, I enjoyed the work for the most part, and made enough money to not have to work full time. That ceased to be the case in June. After struggling for several months to pay the bills and to make sales, I had to go out and obtain a regular full time job. People did not have the money for the luxury of my products any more and the market totally dried up. Almost everyone I know in my unit had to quit. I had put it off for too long myself and now had an extreme amount of debt accumulated. I was lucky enough to get a job right away, and have been working there since, but it is through a temporary agency so my assignments are always on a short term basis and I never know if they will have something else for me. It has been very stressful on one hand because of all the adjustment, but a blessing as well because I am happy to have a job that pays well enough to start to pay some things off. The accompanying schedule restraints have of course limited the time I have to work out, and I haven’t had the resolve to make time to fit it in yet. I have also been battling some depression as a result of this, because I really feel like I let myself and my husband down by investing in a business that went down in flames, and it took some swallowing of my pride to go back into the workforce after I was so used to being my own boss. I continue to struggle with these issues some days and I am not sure how to completely shake them.
...Reasons 2 and 1 tomorrow and maybe a light at the end of the tunnel...
For starters, let me get you up to speed on what has been going on in my life and why I have been “away” for so long. If you couldn’t care less, feel free to skip ahead, but I feel that I need to be totally honest with all of you and myself about the last 9 months before I can make any kind of fresh start. I have always shared not only my shredder life but also my personal life on this blog, so I wanted to start with that. I’m sure some of this will sound like nothing to some of you, and I specifically know of instances where shredders have gone through much more than this and gotten back sooner than I, but what can I say, we are all different and have different levels of tolerance for things.
Back on day 241 (June 11, 2008), I mentioned that I had a lot going on in my life. I tried a few times after that to kickstart something, but that was basically the end of shredding as I knew it. I never even made it a year. Things continued downhill, or maybe up and down, until now, which would technically be day 515 but I don’t think I can give myself credit for that day count. Interesting (or sad!) thing is, I have been NOT shredding now longer than I WAS shredding before – it’s been 274 days since that June entry. Anyway, I just want to clarify the things that I was referring to that have been my “life” issues. Some, or maybe even all, of these things could be classified as excuses, but for now I am not looking for anyone to point out to me how I could have avoided this lapse, I just need to assess where I am and move on. What’s done is done, and laying blame or feeling guilty does no one any good. (I say to myself…) But if anyone has any advice that can apply to the future on these issues, feel free to comment.
So here goes, the Top Five Reasons Joni Quit Shredding (and blogging)…
5) Injuries
As some of you may remember, I am quite prone to injury. It is both a reflection of my natural clumsiness/disregard for my own safety, and the fact that, as a martial arts student/instructor, injuries are pretty much a given. Back in June, I was nursing a wrist sprain that was a result of lining up a punch wrong to a punching bag. I healed up from that just in time for my annual Shiai in July, where I sprained my ankle pretty badly. A student of mine sprained it for me, actually, doing a submission. I actually heard the tendons snap. (Incidentally, I still earned first place in the Master Yudansha division that day, after I was injured…athletic tape does wonders!) Anyway, that was a month or so healing process just to get back to my regular activity level and then it was several more months before I could do particular movements, like squatting, kneeling, and rolls. It actually gives me a twinge from time to time even today. Then in September or October I broke my toe in class, which doesn’t sound like much of an injury, but if you’ve ever had one you can attest that it does affect your movement since you do put a lot of pressure on your toes for everyday walking, and I wear heels to work, so it was an issue. Since then (knock on wood) I have been injury-free, but a lot of that most likely has to do with my very reduced activity levels since I stopped shredding. I know that for me, injuries will always be a way of life because of what I choose to do, but the succession of the ones I had didn’t help matters along with everything else that was going on with me at the time.
4) Let Down / Rebellion
Whereas the last one was physical, this one was certainly psychological. After all the excitement over the group shreds, missions, challenges, shredder council, and the like, I experienced a tremendous let down in April and May once ECSS was over. I’m not sure if it was just the rebellious personality I have that silently made me quit after pushing myself so hard for so long, or if it is just that I didn’t have enough of a clear goal after ECSS, but each thing I tried after that point just didn’t have the same meaning behind it like the other missions. I was floundering even before I stopped blogging, and it was getting so hard to keep up with everything that was going on, I guess I just gave up. It wasn’t a conscious thing, though, it was just that I didn’t feel like I was a part of anything any more, even though I had all of you around just the same as before. I still can’t really put my finger on this one, but that doesn’t make the affect any less real. “Taking a break” is always dangerous if you don’t have your next crystal clear goal waiting for you beforehand, because it gets very easy to lose your way. I’m still trying to find my way back. This also ties into a later issue I am going to address, which is the struggle to make shredding lifelong, not just a mission, goal, or challenge. I thought I had this one down after a few hundred days or so but apparently not. So that thing about 21 days making a habit? Maybe so, but that doesn’t make it a lifestyle.
3) Lost business
Another thing which I am sure is affecting many of you out there is the job situation. For the last 5 years, I have been self-employed as a Mary Kay beauty consultant. While I have never had a love for sales, I enjoyed the work for the most part, and made enough money to not have to work full time. That ceased to be the case in June. After struggling for several months to pay the bills and to make sales, I had to go out and obtain a regular full time job. People did not have the money for the luxury of my products any more and the market totally dried up. Almost everyone I know in my unit had to quit. I had put it off for too long myself and now had an extreme amount of debt accumulated. I was lucky enough to get a job right away, and have been working there since, but it is through a temporary agency so my assignments are always on a short term basis and I never know if they will have something else for me. It has been very stressful on one hand because of all the adjustment, but a blessing as well because I am happy to have a job that pays well enough to start to pay some things off. The accompanying schedule restraints have of course limited the time I have to work out, and I haven’t had the resolve to make time to fit it in yet. I have also been battling some depression as a result of this, because I really feel like I let myself and my husband down by investing in a business that went down in flames, and it took some swallowing of my pride to go back into the workforce after I was so used to being my own boss. I continue to struggle with these issues some days and I am not sure how to completely shake them.
...Reasons 2 and 1 tomorrow and maybe a light at the end of the tunnel...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
