Fall down seven times...(Part 1)

Well if any of you are still out there that previously followed my blog, thanks, and don’t have a heart attack upon seeing me post again after such a long absence. For those of you who weren’t here while I was actively blogging, thanks for stopping by and I hope you will be interested in the new things that I have to say.
For starters, let me get you up to speed on what has been going on in my life and why I have been “away” for so long. If you couldn’t care less, feel free to skip ahead, but I feel that I need to be totally honest with all of you and myself about the last 9 months before I can make any kind of fresh start. I have always shared not only my shredder life but also my personal life on this blog, so I wanted to start with that. I’m sure some of this will sound like nothing to some of you, and I specifically know of instances where shredders have gone through much more than this and gotten back sooner than I, but what can I say, we are all different and have different levels of tolerance for things.
Back on day 241 (June 11, 2008), I mentioned that I had a lot going on in my life. I tried a few times after that to kickstart something, but that was basically the end of shredding as I knew it. I never even made it a year. Things continued downhill, or maybe up and down, until now, which would technically be day 515 but I don’t think I can give myself credit for that day count. Interesting (or sad!) thing is, I have been NOT shredding now longer than I WAS shredding before – it’s been 274 days since that June entry. Anyway, I just want to clarify the things that I was referring to that have been my “life” issues. Some, or maybe even all, of these things could be classified as excuses, but for now I am not looking for anyone to point out to me how I could have avoided this lapse, I just need to assess where I am and move on. What’s done is done, and laying blame or feeling guilty does no one any good. (I say to myself…) But if anyone has any advice that can apply to the future on these issues, feel free to comment.

So here goes, the Top Five Reasons Joni Quit Shredding (and blogging)…

5) Injuries
As some of you may remember, I am quite prone to injury. It is both a reflection of my natural clumsiness/disregard for my own safety, and the fact that, as a martial arts student/instructor, injuries are pretty much a given. Back in June, I was nursing a wrist sprain that was a result of lining up a punch wrong to a punching bag. I healed up from that just in time for my annual Shiai in July, where I sprained my ankle pretty badly. A student of mine sprained it for me, actually, doing a submission. I actually heard the tendons snap. (Incidentally, I still earned first place in the Master Yudansha division that day, after I was injured…athletic tape does wonders!) Anyway, that was a month or so healing process just to get back to my regular activity level and then it was several more months before I could do particular movements, like squatting, kneeling, and rolls. It actually gives me a twinge from time to time even today. Then in September or October I broke my toe in class, which doesn’t sound like much of an injury, but if you’ve ever had one you can attest that it does affect your movement since you do put a lot of pressure on your toes for everyday walking, and I wear heels to work, so it was an issue. Since then (knock on wood) I have been injury-free, but a lot of that most likely has to do with my very reduced activity levels since I stopped shredding. I know that for me, injuries will always be a way of life because of what I choose to do, but the succession of the ones I had didn’t help matters along with everything else that was going on with me at the time.

4) Let Down / Rebellion
Whereas the last one was physical, this one was certainly psychological. After all the excitement over the group shreds, missions, challenges, shredder council, and the like, I experienced a tremendous let down in April and May once ECSS was over. I’m not sure if it was just the rebellious personality I have that silently made me quit after pushing myself so hard for so long, or if it is just that I didn’t have enough of a clear goal after ECSS, but each thing I tried after that point just didn’t have the same meaning behind it like the other missions. I was floundering even before I stopped blogging, and it was getting so hard to keep up with everything that was going on, I guess I just gave up. It wasn’t a conscious thing, though, it was just that I didn’t feel like I was a part of anything any more, even though I had all of you around just the same as before. I still can’t really put my finger on this one, but that doesn’t make the affect any less real. “Taking a break” is always dangerous if you don’t have your next crystal clear goal waiting for you beforehand, because it gets very easy to lose your way. I’m still trying to find my way back. This also ties into a later issue I am going to address, which is the struggle to make shredding lifelong, not just a mission, goal, or challenge. I thought I had this one down after a few hundred days or so but apparently not. So that thing about 21 days making a habit? Maybe so, but that doesn’t make it a lifestyle.

3) Lost business
Another thing which I am sure is affecting many of you out there is the job situation. For the last 5 years, I have been self-employed as a Mary Kay beauty consultant. While I have never had a love for sales, I enjoyed the work for the most part, and made enough money to not have to work full time. That ceased to be the case in June. After struggling for several months to pay the bills and to make sales, I had to go out and obtain a regular full time job. People did not have the money for the luxury of my products any more and the market totally dried up. Almost everyone I know in my unit had to quit. I had put it off for too long myself and now had an extreme amount of debt accumulated. I was lucky enough to get a job right away, and have been working there since, but it is through a temporary agency so my assignments are always on a short term basis and I never know if they will have something else for me. It has been very stressful on one hand because of all the adjustment, but a blessing as well because I am happy to have a job that pays well enough to start to pay some things off. The accompanying schedule restraints have of course limited the time I have to work out, and I haven’t had the resolve to make time to fit it in yet. I have also been battling some depression as a result of this, because I really feel like I let myself and my husband down by investing in a business that went down in flames, and it took some swallowing of my pride to go back into the workforce after I was so used to being my own boss. I continue to struggle with these issues some days and I am not sure how to completely shake them.

...Reasons 2 and 1 tomorrow and maybe a light at the end of the tunnel...