I didn't disappear...

I did take a day off, however, and that's why I didn't post yesterday. Today I kind of wimped out on my cardio as well, I only did a 30 min brisk walk but at least I did something and I have still been sticking to my eating plan all weekend which was a hurdle for me. Actually I found out that it was only a hurdle in my mind because in reality it was no different than the rest of the week, I just had to decide ahead of time that I wasn't going to compromise and then it wasn't that hard. I had a shake for breakfast both days, a bar for lunch yesterday and for dinner today, and I had grilled chicken with crab and green beans for dinner yesterday and my leftover pasta primavera for lunch today so only one meal and they were both pretty good. I really haven't been that hungry, either, except at night when I used to really do a lot of snacking so that has been a little hard but if I am really craving something sweet I have a glass of green tea or a diet soda or else just some glasses of water and that works for me.
I did decide what I was doing for the metabolic surge program and have been preparing for it most of the afternoon with study and printing out things, and I'm not starting until the 25th so that I am not hitting any of my upcoming events on bad days within the plan, such as the only carb day. That would be tough. So I worked it out and it will be good that I start then and after the first 46 days (ending the day after my birthday, so it still pretty much coincides with my original goals) I will do another round, possibly of the regular program because I am doing the Level 1 program now which is a step down from the other. I didn't want to set myself up for failure by working too hard too early since I am still somewhat out of shape. So until Thursday I will continue what I have been doing food-wise but I don't think I will do any cardio because it says to rest 4 days before starting the program. And that's also partially why I didn't work out today too because I was anticipating starting this sometime soon, it just happened to work out well as far as the day count goes. So that's the plan...tomorrow is the official weigh in and measure so I am excited to see how that goes and I will have my comparison photos up for the first week then. Until then, here are my (uncropped) pics for yesterday (I didn't take any today).

Riding a Clydesdale!

Well its day 5 and I feel better but I don't think I look any better. I know, I know it hasn't even been a week but I still think I should see something! Anyway, today was good except I didn't really get in the kind of workout I was looking for. I went horseback riding which was fun but not actually cardio so I feel kind of bad that I skipped my workout this morning but I wouldn't have known. It was cool to ride the horse and see Christi and then it rained really hard just when we were finishing up so we got soaking wet which was funny because we looked like drowned rats. So fun but not really what I thought exercise-wise, though my legs are sore from yesterday's workout so I'm sure tomorrow will be worse because the ride will add to that. For food today I had High Protien Special K with milk and strawberries, a Slim Fast bar, and then caesar salad and pasta primavera from Bertuccis for dinner. I only had half the pasta and there was dressing on the caesar but I still had to be under on calories for the day. I know this isn't a very scientific way to go about all of this but it's what I have to do for now. I am just happy that I resisted having the rolls with oil and fried mozzarella that I usually have when I go there. So overall, I am still doing well, Jeff will be sleeping in tomorrow so I should be able to get my workout in before he wakes up and then I don't know what we are getting into tomorrow but I think that I should be able to eat well during the day since we don't have anything social to do. That's the o-so-exciting update. Here's my pics from today...

End to another day

Well I still feel pretty good about today, not sure totally what it is, but I definitely feel like I am making progress now as opposed to yesterday where I felt like I wasn't doing anything. Not like I have been doing anything enough to make a judgement either way but oh, well, that's how the mind works I guess. Just a quick wrap up of the day - I didn't get my other computer back up so I still don't have the comparison pics so I'll just go over the rest of my day. I had my shake for lunch, a fruit and nut bar for snack, and then a grilled chicken salad for dinner. The salad had ranch dressing on the side so that I'm sure was not the best but if it's all I had all day I'm sure that I am still in calorie deficit. I haven't really counted, but the shakes are almost 200 cal and so are the bars, the cereal with milk is about 300 cal, and the snacks I have are about 100 cal so up until dinner I probably had 600 cal total. Even if I had more than that, that salad was not over 1000 cal and I can have up to 1600 cal and still lose weight I know. Really 1200 would be better but I'm not going to split hairs and I need to make sure I have enough energy anyway. So that's my story and I'm sticking to it. In Jujitsu I did actually work out some so I am pretty wiped after all of that today, actually that's probably why I feel pretty good despite being tired is because exercise really does agree with me. I have always liked it, I just don't always do it. I don't know why. Anyway, weird me again I guess. I won't be posting tomorrow morning because I am going to see Christi (yeah!) and we are going horseback riding so I am getting my workout in that way and I am leaving early so I'll update at the end of the day tomorrow but don't worry I'll still take pictures first thing in the morning as usual. There is something really funny about donning your bathing suit at 7am in the middle of October here on the Mid-East Coast. Well at least I have a reason to laugh every morning. Well, I have a very sleepy puppy crawling into my lap as I type this so I better get him up to bed. I did look over the Metabolic Surge plan in more detail and now I feel like a moron asking about the food because it does actually explain that you can eat what you want within the guidelines, the meal plans are just for people who want something specific or don't know where to start. As they say in Tommy Boy "I'm retarded" so I think that I will put some details together on that and start it because it looks really good and I really agree with the science behind it. I guess that's what I get for skimming the first time, huh. In my defense, it isn't like a regular e-book, it's set up more like a website so you have to follow the links to get all the info and I guess I just didn't follow all the links, I just jumped ahead to certain parts. I also didn't realize that certain things were links. It was late, okay?! So, anyway, that won't be until I get through this weekend on my current plan and make sure I do well, then I will probably start that on Monday. That will put me finishing up the first 46 day round (counting recovery days) right around my birthday (hmm lets do the math here...if I start on the 22nd then that's 10 days in Oct, 30 in Nov, and 6 in Dec) so I don't know, maybe I'll hold it off a little longer than that so my birthday and Jeff's are both in the recovery period but where does that make Christmas fall? It's all very technical, you see, so I'll look at the calendar again and make the decision by Monday. I guess you're tired of hearing that by now but what can I say, sometimes I am not very decisive...alright, well, until tomorrow...
-JP

Progress??

So I broke down and weighed myself today because I just needed a little confirmation to see if I was getting anywhere and it said 163 so that puts me down 3 lbs since Monday. Yeah! I know that I can't be too excited about it since I do have water weight to go down and all that but it still makes me feel better. Plus I think my stomach has flattened out a little. I can't be sure because my Day 1 pics are locked on my other computer but I'll get them later today and check it out but today's pics look a little better. Tiny tiny bit but at least that's something. I walked with Jedi for 20 min this morning and then did a 40 min lower body tae bo workout so I felt like I was actually doing something in my workout today unlike yesterday. However, my shoulders are a little sore today so I did do something yesterday, I just didn't feel much of it at the time I guess. I still was kind of low on energy today, though, but I didn't want to eat before my workout because that isn't usually good for me, and I got through it. I also have Jujitsu tonight but I'm not teaching again so it won't be much of a workout for me. Instead of a shake for breakfast today I had Special K with protien, milk, and strawberries just to change it up. I'll have my shake for lunch. The bar I had for lunch yesterday was surprisingly good, almost too much so because it felt like I was eating a candy bar for lunch. Kind of weird and very sweet but I certainly didn't have the regular sweet craving I usually have after lunch so I guess that's one plus to it. Anyway, here's my Day 4 pics and I'll be back tonight with the update and hopefully will have my earlier pics I can compare with. The next challenge coming up also is the weekend - always difficult to stick with things for me when I'm not alone. Workouts fall by the wayside and food is everywhere so I'll have to have some serious concentration on my goals to keep myself motivated and eating right. People don't help either - they think they are doing you a favor by asking you to eat something, like they are making it okay to cheat or something. I don't really know how to explain it, but usually people in the family are more of a hinderance than a help. Plus side, my best friend Christi may be coming up this w/e for a visit and she's really supportive so I may even show her this blog. Scary!! :) But she's always helpful and she'd be the only one I know in real life who I would let see all this. Not until I make some better progress. But I am ready to push through obstacles so preparation ahead of time should help me get through the w/e successfully. I guess you'll know if you don't see me post. But don't worry, I will :)

Day 3 quick recap

Today my computer monitor died for no apparent reason so I am using my laptop for this and it does not have a photo editing program so I will just post today's pics without them being side by side with day 1 if that's okay with "everyone". Ummmm, I did my tae bo workout today but I had very little energy and yet at the same time didn't feel like I was working out hard enough either. Weird...so I guess I didn't have as much energy because of the calorie deficit but I still don't feel like the workout is doing enough so I'll see what the other DVDs have in store for me so I can step it up some. I had a shake for breakfast, a bar for lunch, 3 oz of plain chicken and a pear for snack, and lean hamburger with lowfat cheese, salsa, and olives with baked tostitos for a taco salad type of dinner. I had to have something a little substantial for dinner because I really didn't feel like I had any real food all day. I got full quickly, though, and even though I had a small plate I still didn't eat it all so I am glad about that. I feel hungry now, though, but I am just trying to drink some green tea so maybe it will go away. I haven't weighed myself still and my pics don't look any different but I hope I am making some kind of progress. I really need to make a decision on the metabolic surge thing because I know I would see a difference if I was following that...still have a few days to make that decision, though. Also in the coming few days I will begin discussing all my other problems I am having committing to various parts of my life and maybe start to get everything straightened out all at once. That would be very helpful at this point in my life. For now, though, I am going to spend a little more time with my husband, I only see him on Wednesdays during the week so I'm going to sign off now. Here are my Day 3 pics (still pretty scary):

Wrap up of Day 2

Well I don't feel like I am really making progress. Food-wise I am definately more aware but I want to move faster than this. I am very impatient, I know but I have so many goals. I never did do a real workout today and Jujitsu was practically nothing taxing for me so I have to really get on it tomorrow and I guess break down and decide on a plan because this by the seat of my pants thing is not going to get me where I want to be. Two things I have learned so far though, or at least remembered I guess because I used to be pretty good at this: 1) I am not as hungry if I eat less, i.e. my stomach is shrinking, I fill up faster if I don't constantly stuff myself. It's a great feeling. 2) I always leave something on my plate and stop when I am full. This is an extension of #1 I know but I have a really bad habit of "cleaning my plate" ingrained from when I was a child and I feel really guilty about throwing food away or leaving some left but I am making myself do it so I will become immune to that guilt. Eating it obviously doesn't help anybody either and makes me fat so I am getting over it. So progress is being made on some fronts and mostly on the mental side which for me is the hardest and most important to overcome so in my book that is good. Hopefully I'll hear from Adam soon and decide what I am doing on the "metabolic surge" thing so I can plan that out, possibly also I will just go with the spirit of the MS plan and make my own menu. Hopefully that would be okay and I guess I would find out quickly enough. If I am sticking to the right nutrient groups and calories I don't see why not but I am no expert so I don't want to just assume it would be okay. So bottom line is, I'm sticking to low cal for now until I get an answer on that and make a decision where to go from there. Gotta go, dog's whining about something - see all you fans of my work (that is, the 0 number of people who are reading this) tomorrow :)
-JP

Not enough...

I could definitely be doing more toward this goal, I am just a little confused now about how to go about all this. I was going to just be casual rather than regimented because I didn't want to spend a lot of time planning, but now I feel like it is not worth doing if I am not doing it all out. I want results, after all, and I don't want them to take forever. And if I am just depriving myself of calories and I don't do it carefully, I'll just lose muscle which will make things even harder. I am waiting to hear back from Adam about the metabolic surge plan which has me mystified but he's really busy right now so I am not sure how long it will take him to get back to me. That is already planned out so I wouldn't really have to do anything which is the plus, but on the minus I don't know if I could stick to all of the things it is telling me to eat...but for now I am just lowering my calorie intake and working out daily. I actually only walked for about 15 minutes today so far and didn't get in my tae bo workout so hopefully I can do that later on this afternoon but I have Jujitsu tonight as well so I don't want to wear myself out too much before that although it isn't that much of a workout for me when I am not the main teacher, which I am not tonight. So, more on this later tonight but for now here's my Day 2 pics - no difference that I can see, and I am not weighing myself until it has been a week because that's just a rollercoaster. Also, the body fat tester I have is tough to get right so I didn't do that but I would like to eventually, we'll see. I also have to find it. Anyway, be back later...

A little update

I did well with my eating today I think - I had a Slimfast shake for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and chicken with rice and broccoli for dinner. I did have some cheese on the dinner but I felt pretty good compared to what I have been eating. Oh and I had a half an apple for a snack. I just read through the metabolic surge plan that Adam recommends but I am not sure about all that. The exercises do not scare me, it is the meal plan. What is up with all the spinach? So not sure about doing that...I want the results but I do have a husband to cook for and he will not be going for that crazy schedule plus I don't know if I can find some of the things listed there in backwoods Cecil County where I live. Not exactly a progressive place. Anyway, just wanted to update before a new day starts. My workout was good too but not hard enough so I will be amping that up during the next few days. Oh, yeah and here's my new mantra to get rid of the whiny-ness that grips me so often regarding not only my body, workouts, food, but also working my business, cleaning the house, doing whatever I am supposed to be doing that I am not:
When I am...(tired, hurt, sore, not feeling it, etc - whatever my excuse of the moment is)... I get up. I get moving. I still make the right decisions. I still do the right things. I focus on helping someone else to get my mind off of myself. I make progress somewhere, somehow, every day. This is how I achieve my goals.
Cheezy I guess but it feels powerful when I say it and if I can just remember to keep saying it over and over when I am not feeling powerful I believe I can climb out of this load of crap I have placed myself into.
Til tomorrow! -JP

Words can't describe...

Disgust, I guess, really when I look at the pictures I took of myself this morning for my "before" reference . It's amazing how you can look at yourself every day and not really see yourself. Anybody know what I am talking about? I literally had no idea I had gotten this bad. I knew I wasn't where I wanted to be but damn this is ridiculous. I guess that's not fair because I'm sure there are people who would love to be where I am I guess but I'm sorry not me. Though I have weighed more in the past, I have never felt as nasty as I do now after looking at my pictures. I used to look sooooooo much better! Ugh. Anyway, that's enough of the pity party (sorry) - that is in the past and there is nothing I can do but move on from today and never let this happen to me again. So going to need some help with that.... Today I am just posting my starting stats and some general goals, I don't have a lot of time to spend just now on specifics but I'm sure I'll get into it later. Today my beginning weight was 166 lbs and I know that doesn't sound bad but I don't carry it well. I am 5'5" and my frame is pretty small actually. Plus I hold my weight from my waist down to my knees so it is really bad there. I also didn't realize until I looked at the pictures how fat my back was. Yuck. So my goal weight is 140 because when I was there I was really happy with my looks although I don't think I appreciated it then. I was also 17% body fat then and I don't know if I can get there again because that was probably 5 years ago and I am closing in on 30 now so is there still hope for that? We'll see. I haven't had any kids yet so I have that on my side but I also do want to have them so that will complicate this whole process. But my doctor did actually say I should lose weight before getting pregnant so that's one good reason too. Anyway, I digress... So I have 26 pounds to lose and I was looking at my birthday as the goal date, but that is 54 days away so that's a little aggressive to lose over 3 lbs a week. I am looking for long lasting change, not crazy yo yo and crash dieting so lets say 16 lbs by my birthday (putting me at 150) and then the other 10 by January 13 which is 90 days away. That feels doable. So I haven't planned my meals out yet, partially because of time and partially because I tend to over-plan things and never get started so I wanted to do something different this time and start working, then add pieces of the plan as things start to come together. So for now I am just having a Slim Fast shake for breakfast and a small healthy lunch and dinner with fruit or veggies for a snack if I am hungry. And lots of water. I know that is not the ideal but I will get there, I just need to get started with something. I am also doing Tae Bo workouts every day except Sunday and they have both cardio and resistance training in them so that will cover me for now. Again, over-analysis gets me into trouble so I have to go against my over controlling nature and just wing it for a while to shake me out of my old patterns. It's an idea.... So I have to get going now but here are my starting measurements and my (aaaaaahhhhh) picutures. Sorry to scare anyone out there but I wore my bathing suit to really force me to look at what I have become. I'm not taking it well, obviously...

Bicep: 12"
Chest: 36.5"
Waist (smallest part): 31"
Stomach (largest part): 34.5"
Hips: 41"
Butt: 43.5"
Thigh: 26.5"

Welcome to my world.

So this is gonna be a quick one because I just set this up on a whim and don't have much time right now to write, but I was inspired to start this courtesy of Adam Waters of rtp-blog.com who I have been following on and off for a while now. He challenged people to be accountable to their goals through daily posts so I thought, you know what, let's give it a try. I have tried many other ways to make changes in my life and so far I have not had much success so I am going to give myself to this and hopefully it will give me some accountability that will spur me on to more significant progress than I have seen so far in my life. Not to say that my life is even interesting enough to read about every day and that's kind of what I am hoping for - the illusion of being out there but no one really paying attention, hence the name of this blog - because I don't really have much exciting going on here, but I need to make a lot of changes in my life and I don't really want anyone to know about my failures within my circle of family and friends so here I am letting people who are strangers help me along on this journey. Weird... Anyway, I have many goals to share but for now I am signing off and I'll be back tomorrow!