Fall down seven times...(Part 2)

2) Starting family
This one is a tough one to talk about, and I won’t go into much detail for many reasons, but for the year leading up to last June I was trying to get pregnant. Because it had been a year with no baby, that June we were diagnosed as infertile. We have since begun the testing and diagnosis stage of this, trying to find out why we cannot conceive and all the while still trying. It has been extremely stressful and has not contributed well to my problem with emotional eating, so continuing to shred and blog during this time was basically out of the question. Things have so far gotten worse for me emotionally, and physically no answers have come. I was able to cope well for quite some time, but in the last month or so our family has started to find out what has been going on with us (I had only told a select few close people) and it has led to more stress. Now just hearing people talk about babies, being pregnant, and the like makes me feel like crying, and has caused me to break down once. I am trying to not keep it in so much now because that obviously doesn’t help the situation, but I still choose not to talk about it mostly because I don’t like answering questions and don’t want to hear anyone’s stupid advice on the subject when they have not been through this. So hopefully there will be good news on this front in the future, but for now it is a constant source of pain and disappointment, as well as a part of every day of my life. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

The Biggest Reason…
1) No long term solution
This has been the major downfall of every weight loss attempt I have ever undertaken, and probably so for the majority of people trying to lose weight all over the world. I don’t really have much trouble losing the weight, it’s that once I lose it, I do not have any way to transition into making an everyday maintenance out of the program that I am on. I know that there has been much discussion of that in the Shreddersphere, pertaining to all the different types of weight loss that we have tried. And although there may not be any such thing as “maintenance” (I think TV said that), for me, there was never any way to make the change from the hard core fat loss mentality to being happy with my body fat percentage and just focusing on muscle preservation and metabolism upkeep. That’s not to say that PN, BFFM, MS, WW, Atkins, and all the other methods I have tried, have not addressed that issue. Some have better than others, but whatever they have said about it has either been a badly conceived method, or was just lost on me somewhere. I want to get to a place where I can have a good relationship with food. Right now I have a love/hate relationship and it may be too much to ask to get to that neutral ground, but I have always loved food, loved cooking, loved entertaining and eating, all of that, but hated the way that food made my body look and feel. I have never been able to face the prospect of eating virtually the same thing every day like some people I know (you know who you are!), or restricting my calories, carbs, fats, etc for every day of the rest of my natural life. I just can’t do it. Call me a quitter, but that kind of strict regiment is not how I want to live my life. I don’t have to be able to eat everything all the time, but I need something that is easily maintained, allows for my need to cook, my want to go out to restaurants, my Italian ancestry that must have pasta and bread. I’m not talking about restriction during a fat loss period, I understand that completely. But I want to have a plan in place ahead of time for when I have gotten to my goal or at least close enough that I am ready to move to the “everyday life” stage of the program. Who has the answer to this? Maybe no one and that’s why there are so many yo-yo dieters in this world, but I simply cannot face a life where I have to deprive myself every meal for the rest of my life. To be honest, I would rather be overweight. As much as I don’t like being the weight I am now, I am no longer gaining as I was when I first stopped shredding. I have achieved stasis with the way that I eat and my activity levels now. I believe that all things being equal, I could basically maintain this weight for quite a while with no additional effort expended. I know this because I have jumped up to this weight many times after stints in one program or another and I usually get to this general size and stop gaining. So I want to achieve that same kind of comfort level but at 30 pounds lighter. Is that too much to ask? Probably. But it does call into question the idea that there is no maintenance, because I have been doing pretty good with that here lately, I’m just not maintaining the level I want to be on. I want to find an answer for the long term before I embark on another journey of shredding. I want a plan in place so I will not let myself down again as I have done so many times. Some of you have found this answer, or at least a part of it, I believe, because you have had long term loss, but I need it to apply to a real life situation. How does the average person get by everyday as a shredder? I can’t deny myself food for the rest of my life, I know I will relapse, it’s just a given. I am too emotional of a person and I don’t think that will change. I would like to find the root of my emotional eating, and I think that would help a lot, but it would still not solve the overall problem. But after losing the weight that I did, using primarily MS, that routine is not even meant to be long term. It says so straight from the beginning, so while the results are great, the maintenance is left up to the individual, and I didn’t know where to go from there. All fruit days are not a part of a normal person’s life. I will never strive to be a professional bodybuilder or model. I just want to be happy with the way I look, feel, and fit into my clothes. I think that’s what a lot of people out there want, and I have yet to see a way to achieve it, unless I am missing something. Maybe I am. Maybe all this time away from you all has made me forget how I can do these things, but from where I’m sitting right now, I have no long term plan.
So I guess that’s why I’m back. I want to solve this aspect of my life, and the best way I have found so far is this community of people. The support is essential, I know that, but I want the whole answer. And I am unhappy with where I am now. I know I can do it, but I refuse to start until I have a clear cut action plan for the future. The happiness I felt at losing all of the weight has been far surpassed by the guilt and disappointment I feel for gaining all of it back, and I don’t want to go through that again. So, (Suz) I will get back up for the 8th (800th) time, but it will be on my own terms and for good. I am sure I have a lot of falling down to do in a lot of other parts of my life, but I could use a victory right about now and I would like it to be in this respect. Anyone who is still out there, still awake after my incessant ramblings, if you have advice, please help.
Thanks and I have missed you all,
JP

Fall down seven times...(Part 1)

Well if any of you are still out there that previously followed my blog, thanks, and don’t have a heart attack upon seeing me post again after such a long absence. For those of you who weren’t here while I was actively blogging, thanks for stopping by and I hope you will be interested in the new things that I have to say.
For starters, let me get you up to speed on what has been going on in my life and why I have been “away” for so long. If you couldn’t care less, feel free to skip ahead, but I feel that I need to be totally honest with all of you and myself about the last 9 months before I can make any kind of fresh start. I have always shared not only my shredder life but also my personal life on this blog, so I wanted to start with that. I’m sure some of this will sound like nothing to some of you, and I specifically know of instances where shredders have gone through much more than this and gotten back sooner than I, but what can I say, we are all different and have different levels of tolerance for things.
Back on day 241 (June 11, 2008), I mentioned that I had a lot going on in my life. I tried a few times after that to kickstart something, but that was basically the end of shredding as I knew it. I never even made it a year. Things continued downhill, or maybe up and down, until now, which would technically be day 515 but I don’t think I can give myself credit for that day count. Interesting (or sad!) thing is, I have been NOT shredding now longer than I WAS shredding before – it’s been 274 days since that June entry. Anyway, I just want to clarify the things that I was referring to that have been my “life” issues. Some, or maybe even all, of these things could be classified as excuses, but for now I am not looking for anyone to point out to me how I could have avoided this lapse, I just need to assess where I am and move on. What’s done is done, and laying blame or feeling guilty does no one any good. (I say to myself…) But if anyone has any advice that can apply to the future on these issues, feel free to comment.

So here goes, the Top Five Reasons Joni Quit Shredding (and blogging)…

5) Injuries
As some of you may remember, I am quite prone to injury. It is both a reflection of my natural clumsiness/disregard for my own safety, and the fact that, as a martial arts student/instructor, injuries are pretty much a given. Back in June, I was nursing a wrist sprain that was a result of lining up a punch wrong to a punching bag. I healed up from that just in time for my annual Shiai in July, where I sprained my ankle pretty badly. A student of mine sprained it for me, actually, doing a submission. I actually heard the tendons snap. (Incidentally, I still earned first place in the Master Yudansha division that day, after I was injured…athletic tape does wonders!) Anyway, that was a month or so healing process just to get back to my regular activity level and then it was several more months before I could do particular movements, like squatting, kneeling, and rolls. It actually gives me a twinge from time to time even today. Then in September or October I broke my toe in class, which doesn’t sound like much of an injury, but if you’ve ever had one you can attest that it does affect your movement since you do put a lot of pressure on your toes for everyday walking, and I wear heels to work, so it was an issue. Since then (knock on wood) I have been injury-free, but a lot of that most likely has to do with my very reduced activity levels since I stopped shredding. I know that for me, injuries will always be a way of life because of what I choose to do, but the succession of the ones I had didn’t help matters along with everything else that was going on with me at the time.

4) Let Down / Rebellion
Whereas the last one was physical, this one was certainly psychological. After all the excitement over the group shreds, missions, challenges, shredder council, and the like, I experienced a tremendous let down in April and May once ECSS was over. I’m not sure if it was just the rebellious personality I have that silently made me quit after pushing myself so hard for so long, or if it is just that I didn’t have enough of a clear goal after ECSS, but each thing I tried after that point just didn’t have the same meaning behind it like the other missions. I was floundering even before I stopped blogging, and it was getting so hard to keep up with everything that was going on, I guess I just gave up. It wasn’t a conscious thing, though, it was just that I didn’t feel like I was a part of anything any more, even though I had all of you around just the same as before. I still can’t really put my finger on this one, but that doesn’t make the affect any less real. “Taking a break” is always dangerous if you don’t have your next crystal clear goal waiting for you beforehand, because it gets very easy to lose your way. I’m still trying to find my way back. This also ties into a later issue I am going to address, which is the struggle to make shredding lifelong, not just a mission, goal, or challenge. I thought I had this one down after a few hundred days or so but apparently not. So that thing about 21 days making a habit? Maybe so, but that doesn’t make it a lifestyle.

3) Lost business
Another thing which I am sure is affecting many of you out there is the job situation. For the last 5 years, I have been self-employed as a Mary Kay beauty consultant. While I have never had a love for sales, I enjoyed the work for the most part, and made enough money to not have to work full time. That ceased to be the case in June. After struggling for several months to pay the bills and to make sales, I had to go out and obtain a regular full time job. People did not have the money for the luxury of my products any more and the market totally dried up. Almost everyone I know in my unit had to quit. I had put it off for too long myself and now had an extreme amount of debt accumulated. I was lucky enough to get a job right away, and have been working there since, but it is through a temporary agency so my assignments are always on a short term basis and I never know if they will have something else for me. It has been very stressful on one hand because of all the adjustment, but a blessing as well because I am happy to have a job that pays well enough to start to pay some things off. The accompanying schedule restraints have of course limited the time I have to work out, and I haven’t had the resolve to make time to fit it in yet. I have also been battling some depression as a result of this, because I really feel like I let myself and my husband down by investing in a business that went down in flames, and it took some swallowing of my pride to go back into the workforce after I was so used to being my own boss. I continue to struggle with these issues some days and I am not sure how to completely shake them.

...Reasons 2 and 1 tomorrow and maybe a light at the end of the tunnel...